Jane is a dear friend of mine. I am so grateful for her willingness to share her story with all of us. She truly personifies what it means to actively pursue Christ every day. I feel blessed to know her and share her real-life story with you.
Please also note that Jane is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. No matter what church you belong to, the principles and experiences shared by Jane are applicable to everyone. Links are provided for clarification on various details or phrases that may relate specifically to Jane’s religion.
-Mykala Steadman
I don’t have a memory of the first time I viewed pornography, but I know that I was 13.
What I do remember is that I loved mystery TV shows. There always seemed to be something along with it that was sexual as well, such as a woman or a man having an affair. It was this new and exciting secrecy that piqued my young curiosity.
I never looked for pornography on the internet, but I experienced it in other ways, such as books and television. What I have come to realize is that men are generally more visually stimulated, while women seek the more emotional aspect of intimacy. This might not be true for every woman, but for me, it was the passion and emotion that drew me to pornography. I look back and I can see that more sexually explicit books, even books like Twilight, catalyzed my addiction through the words and passion I found within them.
I struggled with my pornography addiction between the ages of 13 to 16. I'd want to cut it out, but then I would get back into it over and over again. Looking back, I can see that when I was involved in things like sports, school, church, friends, or family, I would do better. Once I would relapse in my addiction, I would want to withdraw from everything, and just be alone, which I knew wasn't good.
One of the biggest ways I was affected by pornography was through my self-esteem and confidence. It's so sad because that's such a critical time when you're trying to develop and recognize your identity. Those are the years when you are supposed to be building your self-confidence, and the decisions I was making in my life were doing the opposite.
When did you decide to talk to someone about your addiction?
When I was young, my older brother passed away. In my church, we learn all growing up that families can be together forever. As I got older, I realized that while this is true, it is also contingent upon our individual choices. If you want to be a forever family, you all have to put in the work to do so. A temple sealing doesn't just simply seal the deal. You must do your part and endure to the end. Something that just kept going through my head as a teenager was that if I want to live with my brother again, and with my family forever, I had to do my part. This was the largest driving factor for me to get help overcoming my addiction.
Purpose is something that I think is key in any addiction, whether it's food or something as small as biting your nails. I recently became a health coach, and we often address the topics of motivation and purpose. I teach women that motivation is more of a short term thing. For example, if I want to lose weight and my motivation is my daughter's wedding this summer, that doesn't necessarily make losing weight permanent. It’s just temporary.
People are most effective depending on if they find a real purpose. Deciding to lose weight in order to feel more healthy or strong will serve as more effective and long-lasting purposes than a wedding.
Now, I’m not trying to disregard the difficulty of overcoming a pornography addiction. It is a hard cycle to get out of. I mean, there are hormones involved, and other things that cloud your thinking, judgment, and decision-making. I'm not downgrading any of that, but I want those reading this to know that if you want to quit an addiction, it is possible due to your Savior and what He has been through. You do not have to do it on your own. He is there to provide you literal physical, spiritual, and emotional support. Also, there is power in prayer. There is power in the small and simple things too, like reading your scriptures and worshiping. That said, you also need purpose. Whatever that purpose is, whether it is living with your family for eternity or your Savior or something else, let that be your driving factor and purpose in overcoming your addiction.
My purpose led to me finally going to my ecclesiastical leader about my addiction. Repentance is a key part of my religion. Some sins, including viewing pornography, require the help of a bishop in fully overcoming them. When I was 16, I made an appointment with my Bishop for my 16th birthday interview. We were talking when I basically just broke down crying and told him I’d been struggling for the past few years. I was a mess and so fearful of the consequences. I was scared I was going to have to tell my parents, but I also knew I just needed to get through the first step of talking to my bishop. I told him about my brother and how I hadn’t viewed in months because I wanted to be worthy to receive my patriarchal blessing.
After I told him everything, I remember my bishop leaning forward and saying, “Jane, you are such a virtuous daughter of God.”
I was not expecting him to say that at all. At the same time, looking back, I know he was so guided and directed by the spirit with those words. That was perfect for what I needed to hear. I had already gone through beating myself up and feeling the guilt and everything else. I had also already been praying about it and fasting about it. At that point, I just needed that relief. Up to that point, I hadn’t told anyone, and I had felt the burden squarely upon my shoulders. Now it felt like the weight had been lifted.
Leaving that interview with my bishop, I found myself thinking, “That was so easy.” It did take tons of effort to walk in there and talk to him, but the incredible feeling of knowing I didn’t have to hide this part of me from anything was indescribable. Knowing I was on the path towards living with my brother for eternity brought instant joy. It reminds me of the joy described in Alma 36:
“Oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain! Yea…there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy” (verses 20-21).
It's been about nine years since that interview. Now, I can honestly say that I have not looked back, but those temptations have still been there again. That said, because I know the consequences, it is easier to say no. I also have worked hard to rebuild my self-esteem with the help of Heavenly Father. I’ve also noticed that this experience has helped me to understand, support, and help others in their struggles with pornography.
What is the main reason why you have decided to share your story with us?
My hope is that my story gives others hope that this is not something they have to succumb to the rest of their lives. However, I also understand from my own experience that this addiction is very hard and difficult to get out of because those feelings are so real and powerful. In the end, it is hope that everyone needs. Satan pokes on our weaknesses over and over again, whereas God takes our weaknesses and helps us become stronger with it. He doesn't expect us to be perfect, but He does expect us to try our best and to work our hardest.
To anyone who is continually working to overcome this addiction, you need to understand that you have a Savior and a Heavenly Father who would do anything for you. They are the ones who are literally cheering you on through all this.
There are many valiant sons and daughters who struggle with pornography. Everyone is a son and daughter of God, regardless of what they do, and this struggle does not ever change their worth. It doesn't ever change who they can become either which means that we have potential for good, and we have potential for anything. This means that wherever we are in our life is not where we are always going to be. We have the potential of something more. We are the sons and daughters of God. There's so much power and potential that comes with that. If you struggle with pornography, you are not broken. Another thing that I've learned is that the feelings an individual experiences when they're viewing pornography, or the temptations, are completely normal feelings for a human being to have. It means that all the right things in you were working. God designed us to ultimately have families which is a beautiful thing. And he's given us hormones, you know, to help with those things. But again, it goes back to choosing to use those feelings for certain purposes, and in the correct way. You have to learn how to discipline and understand those feelings, which most certainly is a process.
Can you talk about your process of healing and forgiving yourself?
Around the time I talked to my bishop, my family and I went to Salt Lake for our church’s worldwide conference. I had just been praying and fasting because I was feeling so much guilt from what I had done. I felt like I was never going to be able to forgive myself. One of the apostles began to speak as I was contemplating this. His topic was repentance and he quoted this scripture in Doctrine & Covenants 58:42:
“Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”
That scripture just hit me so powerfully. I realized that if God doesn't remember the sins I’ve repented of, why should I remember them? Why should I keep beating myself up about it? Why should I keep holding myself back because of my past?
Repentance is just change and the Atonement of Jesus Christ made that change possible. If you beat yourself up about who you were in the past, it won’t get you anywhere. I have accepted that I have changed. I'm not the same person I was nine years ago because of the Savior.
For those who struggle with this addiction, there will be days where you may take a step down, but you are not moving backward when that happens. You’re still moving forward. If you take pauses, if you mess up, or if you give in to temptations, you’re still learning and that's a step forward. Please, just keep moving forward. I always tell individuals around me, "You don't quit until you stop trying." If you mess up, it doesn't mean you're a failure. Failure is final. Pressing onward no matter what is not.
Can you talk about your experience sharing your addiction with your spouse?
My pornography addiction was something I always wanted to tell my future husband about because it explains so much about me and why I am the way that I am. That part of my life taught me so much about my self-worth, my Heavenly Father, repentance, and mercy that I didn’t want to hide it from him. I actually told my spouse about my addiction a few weeks into our dating relationship. I felt comfortable in the relationship so I opened up to him about it and it was something that has ultimately brought us closer. I've never felt judged by him from it. I've always felt love, understanding, and respect from him. I've never felt like he's ever questioned my worthiness or my virtue. It was kind of a relief to be able to tell him and to let him see that part of me.
Pornography addictions are sometimes mistakenly identified as a man’s issue. Can you speak to this phenomenon?
Honestly, I wish that there was stuff like this website out there when I was going through my addiction, even if all the experiences were anonymous. As a girl, I almost felt extra guilt about my addiction. It seemed like it was a normal thing for men to struggle with, but for a woman, it was seen as simply gross. I thought I was just a broken girl, and that was hard for me. There is so much more shedding of light on this topic that needs to be done. Of course, it’s hard to share your story, and not everyone needs to. Although I’m comfortable sharing mine, I only open up to people about it as I am prompted to by the Holy Spirit. It’s not something I flaunt around, obviously, because it's sacred to me. However, it is not shame that ever keeps me from sharing. I have fully accepted the things that I've gone through, and I'm grateful for the things I've learned and the person I've become. If you do feel safe and comfortable with a person you trust, don’t be scared to share. Let the Spirit guide. Many people are just so understanding, loving, and empathetic.
Thank you for reading! Please feel free to comment below.